While He Lived
by sarabeth1
Summary: For all that he lost he gained very little. And he marched on like a good little soldier. He marched on and watched the good ones fall. ***PART 5 OF THE RESSLER PROMPT SERIES - ONE SHOT*** HINTS OF KEENLER, Backstory on the scar on Ressler's shoulder


Ressler Prompt #5 - Backstory on Ressler's Scar on his shoulder as seen episode 2x01

Hope you enjoy and let us know what you think and if you have any ideas going forward for us! Reviews for all authors involved in this series are greatly appreciated.

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 **While He Lived**

Today had been a rough one. They lost a few agents. Good agents. Agents that had families. Yet, here he was. A man with no family. With no one waiting at home for him. He was alive. Granted, once again he lucked out and by the intervention of one Raymond Reddington he got out alive and was sitting alone in a hospital room. But, he was alive and good agents were dead. He wasn't a shrink, but how he wasn't diagnosed with survivor's guilt yet was beyond him. Donald Ressler would never admit it. No, Donald Ressler was too strong. Too proud to ever admit he felt guilty for living while others always died around him.

The first one to die while he lived was his cousin. His best friend. Taken from him in a terrible act of violence. Donnie and Paulie were just 8 and 10 when some lowlife punk robbed the corner store they had walked to in order to spend their allowance money on candy bars. The clerk and punk exchanged gunfire and in the end Paulie and the clerk lay dead. Donnie was found huddled, protected under his older cousin's body.

The second person to die while he lived was his father. His other best friend. Taken from him in yet another act of violence. At the hands of a drug dealer but at the call of someone close to them all. His father's best friend and partner. It was something that would define Donald Ressler. Something that would shape him.

He lost a few other people through out his life after that and up until now. Men on his team when chasing Reddington. Meera Malik. Family members. He thought he lost Liz. Audrey. His child. For all that he lost he gained very little. And he marched on like a good little soldier. He marched on and watched the good ones fall. And he was damn tired of it.

"Agent Ressler?"

He looked up. This was different. Last time, after the Garrick incursion, he sat in that damn bed all alone until Audrey found him. Now, someone was visiting? And that someone seemed to be Aram. Ressler chuckled in amusement then remembered Aram had been there today and saw the sling. He didn't remember the man getting injured.

"What happened?" Ressler asked him. "I thought you were out of the way?" He knew Liz was safe. She was the first person he asked about when he got out of surgery. But, he never really thought to ask about the others. He figured they would have told him if they were injured.

"Oh, yeah. I, uh, I was. Until…I saw, Samar. She was," he trailed off.

"You thought Samar was in danger."

"Yeah." Aram came fully in to the room. "She wasn't. I was stupid to think she'd need my help."

"No. You care. Your friend was in trouble. It was chaos, Aram." Ressler waited until Aram sat down. "I'm glad you are alright."

Ressler still couldn't believe it. It wasn't exactly how he expected this to happen. He expected to get shot doing something work related. Chasing down a Blacklister. And yes, agents were lost. But, agents who were sent in to do what he and Liz and Samar and Aram could not do. Because, this time they were the victims. They were caught up in the middle of a hostage situation and it didn't matter the training they had or the skills they each had. They had been outnumbered, out gunned and unable to do a damn thing to stop what happened. And it all happened when Ressler was forced on a double date. Of all things.

"Liz would be here but Reddington sent her home. She's a wreck. Blaming herself."

"Can you tell her not to? That I'm fine? I shouldn't have tried to play hero."

Aram laughed. "She said leave it to Ressler to try to play hero." His eyes grew dark and sad. "You scared us. We thought we lost you. There was so much blood."

"I would think by now you all know I'm too stubborn to die?" Ressler shifted in his bed. "Tell Liz I'm not going anywhere and to come see me?"

"I will. But, Mr. Reddington is actually waiting to see you. You want me to send him away?"

Ressler laughed loudly at the idea of Aram trying to send Reddington away. He stopped abruptly at the pain in his chest. He took one bullet to the chest. One to the shoulder and one to the hip. And he was feeling them all when he laughed. He had a few questions for Reddington. Mainly, just how did he get such a fancy hotel room that looked more like a five-star hotel room. Aram left and Reddington took his place.

"Donald, good to see you with a little color on your face."

"Are you responsible for this room? My government insurance is good but not this good." Ressler looked the other man in the eye.

"Only the best for the man who saved Elizabeth's life." Reddington took Aram's vacated seat. "Stupid and foolish thing you did, however. But, you saved her life. And for that I'm forever in your debt."

"Then tell me the truth." Ressler decided that now was as good of time as any considering. He had always wanted to know and if Reddington was in his debt now was his chance.

"What truth?" Reddington smiled, amused.

"Brussels." Ressler rubbed his right shoulder. The old wound still fresh. "Garrick said I bungled it. You and I both know that's not how it happened. I had you in my sights. I had the shot. And I didn't take it."

"I don't see the question Donald." Reddington gave him a look of boredom as he turned his head toward the heart rate monitor.

"You know everything so I know you know. My team was chasing an associate of yours to get to you. I was sloppy and he grabbed me instead."

Ressler closed his eyes and shuddered at the memory. Of those long hours in that basement wondering when or if rescue was coming. How long he could keep himself together amidst the pain. Then as if all his prayers were answered a team of men in black stormed in and took out his captors and he was dumped outside of a hospital. A team that was not FBI.

"Why on earth would I risk my men's lives to come save your sorry hide? The man who was trying to capture me?"

"Who else then, Red?"

Reddington chuckled. "Oh, alright, you've got me. Alvarez had a nasty little end game planned for you, Donald, and as annoying as our cat and mouse game was at times you didn't deserve it. I'm just sorry I didn't get to you sooner. Dembe told me he did quiet the number on you."

"Oh. I ranked high enough to have Dembe on my rescue squad?"

"I only send Dembe out on my most important of missions. You should know that."

Ressler rubbed his right shoulder once more. He survived Alvarez. He was sloppy and he wasn't the only one Alvarez took. But he was the only one who survived.

"One of these days you are going to pop. I can see it. You lived. It happens, Donald." Reddington frowned as he stood. "You survived Alvarez because he knew you had value to me. Simple as that." He shook his head.

"Value? What kind of value could I possibly have?"

"I needed you on that team, Donald. I knew you'd never let them do anything like they planned in Brussels. You were the one that was going to keep me alive. Alvarez knew I needed you on that team, he just didn't know why." Reddington clicked his tongue then nodded to Ressler's shoulder. "That scar on your shoulder. He gave you that, didn't he? It was his thing. Make his victims watch then give them a reminder. You've let that not only remind you of the men he killed that day but everyone who has died while you lived."

"You don't know a damn thing Reddington."

"I know so much more than you think. I know about death, and loss and scars. And I know, if you want any kind of life with Elizabeth you need to learn how to heal and move on."

Without saying another word Reddington left Ressler alone in his room and alone with his thoughts. It always killed Ressler when the older man was right. When he knew more about what was going on in either his life or his head than he did. And boy did Reddington get it right this time. He wasn't alone long before sleep overtook him.

It was restless sleep. Filled with nightmares. The faces of all those lost. All those whose died while he lived. Then the event he tried desperately to forget. The event he never talked about. The one the men on his own team were never told about it. He said as little as he could get away with and tried to push it all back in the recesses of his mind. That way he could move on. He could continue to survive. Because what Alvarez did to those men. The sounds they made. Ressler often surprised himself that he didn't turn to pills sooner.

"I'll kill you, you son of a bitch! I swear to God, I'll kill you!" Ressler screamed in his sleep.

He felt hands on him. In his terror filled dream there were the harsh hands of one of the men who killed his fellow agents. Instead he opened his eyes to see Liz standing over him. Concern etched on her face. Her soft hand placed gently on his. Somehow he had managed to hold these night terrors at bay. And the few times they had surfaced it was after stressful situations. And this was the first time it happened around her.

"You're safe, it's ok."

"How long have you?" he started to ask then shook his head. "How are you. They didn't touch you, did they? I don't remember much after a certain point."

"Well being shot three times…I don't expect you to." Liz leaned down and kissed his forehead. "Don't do that again."

"I can't promise that. They recognized you, Liz. Thought they could get a bigger pay out if they took you instead of the cash they originally came for. And I'd do it again every time. But, next time, don't take Reddington's advice for dinner reservations," Ressler said in hopes of lightening the mood.

"Don't joke. Not now. Not like this." She took a seat on the edge of his bed. "I would have been here when you got out of surgery but Red made me go home and clean up."

"No. Don't apologize. It's fine. I'm fine. It's was just a bad dream."

Ressler wasn't ready now or ever to tell her what is was about. She knew he had his demons. She had hers. And he talked to her about a few of his but there were some he hid so deep he wondered if they were real or just a nightmare from a movie he watched as a kid. She never knew about Paulie. And if she did he never told her. That scar, that invisible scar, the one of a boy two years his senior using his body as shield to protect him was too much for him to take. That memory put Ressler in a deep tailspin for a few years a kid.

"Look, Ress, I know there are things in your past you aren't ready to talk to me about. But, you need to talk to someone then. You rush in to these things with no fear like you can't die. You can and one day you just might. I can't lose you. Not now. Not after just really getting you in my life." Liz ran her hand through his hair.

"Good men die around me all the time Liz and I survive. So what if one day I don't. It won't ever make up for all the good ones that died in my place."

"Maybe it won't. But that doesn't matter. It's how you live your life that matters. How you chose to honor them. Like you chose to honor your father, that matters. Your life isn't worth more or less than any of them. A life is a life, Don," Liz said softly.

The name Don escaped her lips so easily. She had never called him anything but Ress or Ressler. Perhaps a curse once or twice when they first met but never Don or a variant of his first name. He wasn't sure how he like it. It was different. But different could be better. He felt the covers pull away as she slid in next to him then gently laid her head on his chest, the side that wasn't injured.

"One day, you'll be ready to tell me. You can tell me about that little scar I see you touch every now and then. You can tell me what happened in Spain. Red knows but won't tell me. It's ok. I have my demons too. We will get there. Together," she whispered in his ear.

He felt a tear roll down his face and her thumb gently wipe it away. Perhaps allowing her in and letting his scars show wasn't so bad. Letting the light in after all the years of darkness was a way to healing. She could be his light.


End file.
